It can be hard to write a speech that gets everyone laughing without recycling over-used puns and one-liners. Why not take some inspiration from these five funny wedding readings when you’re planning what to say.
Make Your Guests Laugh With These Funny Wedding Readings
If you’re not one for a tear-jerker and want to get your guests laughing, why not use these readings as a guide. They all sum up love and marriage in their own original way with an amusing twist.
“Yes I’ll Marry you my Dear” by Pam Ayres
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do
If you’re nervous about giving a reading, remember to keep it short and occasionally pause for laughs. Don’t talk through the laugh – enjoy entertaining everybody and let them enjoy it too. Here’s one we think will strike a few funny chords with the audience.
“Let me put it This way” by Simon Armitage
Let me put it this way: if you came to lay your sleeping head against my arm or sleeve, and if my arm went dead, or if I had to take my leave at midnight, I should rather cleave it from the joint or seam than make a scene or bring you round. There, how does that sound?
If you want a short reading to make up part of your speech or to add a closing comment, then this one by Sandra Boynton works perfectly. It talks about a future together, side by side.
“Your Personal Penguin” by Sandra Boynton
I like you a lot.
You’re funny and kind.
So let me explain
What I have in mind.
I want to be your personal penguin.
I want to walk right by your side.
I want to be your personal penguin.
I want to travel with you far and wide.
The late poet, Hovis Presley says it all really with this sweet poem. This is sure to bring a laugh from all age groups!
“I Rely on you” by Hovis Presley
I rely on you like a Skoda needs suspension, like the aged need a pension, like a trampoline needs tension, like a bungee jump needs apprehension. I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter, like a gambler needs a flutter, like a golfer needs a putter, like a buttered scone involves some butter. I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve, like a hairpin needs a drastic curve, like an HGV needs endless derv, like an outside left needs a body swerve. I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers, like an auctioneer needs buyers, like a laundromat needs driers, like The Good Life needed Richard Briers. I rely on you like a water vole needs water, like a brick outhouse needs mortar, like a lemming to the slaughter, Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter. I rely on you.
Sometimes you can inject some humour while saying something very serious. When you’re getting married, it’s sometimes called ‘taking the plunge’. This reading below does just that. This one might be apt if you’ve known one another a long time before tying the knot.
“The Little Yellow Leaf” by Carin Berger
(The story of a leaf who isn’t ready to let go from the tree.)
And then, high up on an icy branch, a scarlet flash.
One more leaf holding tight.
“You’re here?” called the Little Yellow Leaf.
“I am,” said the Little Scarlet Leaf.
“Like me!” said the Little Yellow Leaf.
“Will you?” asked the Little Scarlett Leaf.
“I will!” said the Little Yellow Leaf.
And one, two, three, they let go and soared.