Funny wedding readings are the new trend if you’re getting married in 2020, but it can be hard to find a wedding reading with jokes that make all of your guests laugh. Here’s some examples of funny wedding readings and all the inspiration you need…

funny-wedding-readings-to-make-guests-laugh

Funny Wedding Readings for 2020

If you’re having a civil ceremony or you’re not one for a religious wedding reading, why not use these funny wedding readings as a guide? These funny wedding readings and poems will fill your big day with laughter and reflect your personality as a couple…

Yes I’ll Marry you my Dear by Pam Ayres

“Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do.”

Let me put it This way by Simon Armitage

“Let me put it this way: if you came to lay your sleeping head against my arm or sleeve, and if my arm went dead, or if I had to take my leave at midnight, I should rather cleave it from the joint or seam than make a scene or bring you round. There, how does that sound?”

I Rely on you by Hovis Presley

Continue reading below…

“I rely on you like a Skoda needs suspension, like the aged need a pension, like a trampoline needs tension, like a bungee jump needs apprehension.

I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter, like a gambler needs a flutter, like a golfer needs a putter, like a buttered scone involves some butter.

I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve, like a hairpin needs a drastic curve, like an HGV needs endless derv, like an outside left needs a body swerve.

I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers, like an auctioneer needs buyers, like a laundromat needs driers, like The Good Life needed Richard Briers.

I rely on you like a water vole needs water, like a brick outhouse needs mortar, like a lemming to the slaughter, Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter. I rely on you.”


Short Funny Wedding Readings

If you want a short wedding reading to make up part of your speech or to add a funny closing comment, then these funny wedding readings work perfectly…

Your Personal Penguin by Sandra Boynton

“I like you a lot.
You’re funny and kind.
So let me explain
What I have in mind.
I want to be your personal penguin.
I want to walk right by your side.
I want to be your personal penguin.
I want to travel with you far and wide.”

Some Things Go Together by Charlotte Zolotow

Pairs of things that go together.
Pigeons with park
Stars with dark
Sand with sea
and you with me.
… Hats with heads
Pillows with beds
Sky with blue
and me with you.

Sometimes you can inject some humour into a wedding reading while saying something very serious. When you’re getting married, it’s sometimes called ‘taking the plunge’. This alternative wedding reading below does just that – and might be apt if you’ve known one another a long time before tying the knot…

The Little Yellow Leaf by Carin Berger

“And then, high up on an icy branch, a scarlet flash.
One more leaf holding tight.
‘You’re here?’ called the Little Yellow Leaf.
‘I am,’ said the Little Scarlet Leaf.
‘Like me!’ said the Little Yellow Leaf.
Neither spoke.
Finally…
‘Will you?’ asked the Little Scarlett Leaf.
‘I will!’ said the Little Yellow Leaf.
And one, two, three, they let go and soared.”

Gravitation by Albert Einstein

“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”


Quirky Wedding Readings

There are plenty of poems and excerpts from thousands of books that talk about love, companionship, compromise and all the other aspects of marriage. But if you want something a little bit different to set your speech apart from the usual wedding readings, these fun and quirky readings may be perfect for your civil ceremony…

Mayonnaise jar and two Beers by David Sullivan

“When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things–your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions–and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else–the small stuff. ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

‘Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your  spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first–the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. ‘I’m glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a few beers with a friend.'”

Oh, the Places You’ll go! by Dr. Seuss

“Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places! You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the COUPLE who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that life’s a great balancing act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

So… be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting.

So… get on your way!”

A Good Wedding Cake by Anon

“4Lb of love
1/2Lb of sweet temper
1Lb of butter of youth
1Lb of blindness of faults
1Lb of pounded wit
1Lb of good humour
2Lbs of sweet argument
1 Pint of rippling laughter
1 Wine glass of common sense
A dash of modesty
Put the love, good looks and a sweet temper into a well-furnished house. Beat the butter of youth into a cream and mix well together with the blindness of faults. Stir the pounded wit and good humour into the sweet argument, then add the rippling laughter and common sense. Work the whole together until everything is well mixed and bake gently for ever.”

A Lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton

“The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, HIS cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit, which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

He is also overly fond of Things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of Things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on Shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thought and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them.

Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love. Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.

For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place…”

If you’re looking for a quirky poem to read aloud to your bride or groom, then this alternative but fun wedding reading by John Cooper Clarke says it all…

I Wanna Be Yours by John Cooper Clarke

“I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
for those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
when you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
you’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
that’s how deep is my devotion.”


Funny Wedding Readings Guide

If you’re nervous about giving a reading at a wedding, remember to keep it short and occasionally pause for laughs. Don’t talk through the laugh – enjoy entertaining everybody and let them enjoy it too!

Funny wedding readings sometimes work better if a pageboy or young bridesmaid recites it. The rule when getting children to do wedding readings is to keep it short and sweet – they get their moment in the spotlight but don’t have time to feel overwhelmed. They’ll also need to practise quite a bit beforehand and make sure you’ve chosen a child who isn’t likely to get stage fright at the last minute and refuse to speak. You’re looking for a confident type.

Remember the rule above of waiting for laughs and ask your young reader to stay in place for a few seconds afterwards to wait for the applause (which is sure to follow). The poem Some Things Go Together above is a perfect short wedding reading that’s funny but thought-provoking too!

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Jennifer Read-Dominguez is the Digital Editor of Wedding Ideas magazine, heading up the website and covering all things lifestyle and beauty – from the best hen weekend destinations and luxury honeymoon hotspots, to the perfect hair extensions for your wedding day. When not on her soapbox about her home renovations and commuting troubles, she's known around the office for her love of Millwall FC and MasterChef. Despite telling the world she was about to get engaged underneath a spectacular show of the Northern Lights in Finland last year, Jennifer is still waiting for her boyfriend Ashton to propose...