While weddings come in all shapes and sizes, the guests who attend them have a certain familiarity no matter where or how expensive the occasion. According to leading online hotel bookers, LateRooms.com, every wedding from John O’Groats to Lands End this year is going to be attended by 9 archetypal wedding guests.
LateRooms.com – who help more than 100,000 wedding guests in the UK find their post-party hotels each year – has pinpointed these serial wedding invitees and their typical characteristics with help from 100 wedding planners from their hotels…
The awkward teenage cousin
There he is, hiding in a corner in a borrowed, ill-fitting 1995-era suit that he’s been forced to wear in lieu of his usual skinny jeans, Ramones t-shirt and scuffed Converse All-Stars. He’s not happy, at least until the bridesmaids show themselves, and they remind him that the occasion is perhaps not as bleak as it seemed at first. If only he could muster enough courage to speak to a real girl…
MOST LIKELY TO: Spend the whole day wishing he had a tattoo and dodging the drunken Aunt
The single older sister
Everyone, including her, thought she’d be first. And yet, for the first time in their lives, her sibling has beaten her to something. She feels the tick-tock of time as her younger sister proves finding Mr Right isn’t about how far up the career-ladder you’ve climbed. She’s genuinely delighted for her sister, but right now, would swap any of her qualifications to be the one standing at the altar, not standing in the pews.
MOST LIKELY TO: Win anything competitive at all costs, even a family Monopoly game
This wedding guest firmly believes they’re outsmarting wedding etiquette but, in reality, sticks out like a sore, and rather selfish, thumb. They’re always rushing to get their rounds in while the free bar is still in full swing, and almost certain to keep a bottle of gin in their hotel room to sneak a crafty top up when the bar till is operational. Will be the one waving their glass vigorously at waiters in the hope of two or three refills during the wedding toasts.
MOST LIKELY TO: Suggest after-hours drinking… from your hotel room’s mini-bar
The party animal
They’re always the last on the dance floor and can usually be found at the end of the night on their knees, begging the DJ not to stop the Party Anthems CD from looping one more time. Once the pumping party tunes are over they will undoubtedly invite everyone back to their hotel room to continue the celebrations, regardless of what ungodly hour they have to be up in the morning.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be taken advantage of by The Cheapskate
The Lothario groomsman
Almost certainly the groom’s best-mate, the bad-boy that is considered by everyone who knows him to be too unreliable to be best man. He’s never had a relationship last longer than three weeks but is never short of female attention. He’s brought some random girl as a wedding guest but barely says two words to her throughout the day – possibly because he’s too busy chasing the attention of every other female in the venue.
MOST LIKELY TO: Set his sights on the chief bridesmaid but wake up in the morning alone with a red hand-mark on his cheek
The drunken Auntie
Often called ‘Nora’ or ‘Agnes’, our drunken Auntie sees every wedding as her chance to make family headlines. She’ll wear an unwieldy oversized dress that demolishes entire tables of expensive wine as she whisks past, desperately trying to start a conga. She’ll be the first to leave, though not of her own accord – carried out by two groomsmen as she wheels between conscious and passed-out. But she’ll insists she’s good for at least one more large glass of red.
MOST LIKELY TO: Appear on a You’ve Been Framed wedding fails compilation
The globetrotting relative
Why do people always travel from Australia for every British wedding? Just when you thought you were making a massive concession driving all the way from Essex to your cousin’s big day in Newcastle, this outbacker steals your ‘furthest travelled, biggest effort’ trophy second from you claiming all the wedding glory. The bride and groom have never met the globetrotting relative – they’re a distant cousin of the mother-in-law, and no one ever sees them or hears from them again…
MOST LIKELY TO: Be wearing a perma-smug smile and asking for extra helpings of wedding cake
The ‘down with the kids’ Uncle
Uncle Bob knows his Straight Outta Compton from his Physical Graffiti. He loves classic 70s rock but pretends he totally understands the intricacies of Dubstep and Grime. He even has a Chase & Status t-shirt ironed for the morning after breakfast. He’ll happily regale you with tales of how he was the first teenager in the quintessential English village of Upper Plebsworth to own a pair of authentic Adidas Sambas back in the day. He’s still got them, and wears them every Friday night when he hosts the Rappers Delight Beer Club at the community centre.
MOST LIKELY TO: Insist that the DJ plus his iPod into the PA system so that he can educate him on why the East Anglian hip hop scene is a thing
The man in a kilt
Why? You’ve never ever been to Scotland, never mind have relatives there. Why does someone always turn up in a kilt? It’s almost like the Scots have a permanent wedding party radar and dispatch a citizen to each and every occasion to keep an eye on the celebrations. The kilt-wearing wedding guest can always be found next to a line of animated bridesmaids…you know…just in the event they ask that question.
MOST LIKELY TO: Be asked ‘Is it true what they say…?’
LateRooms.com has recently launched Weddingguestrooms.com – a new wedding hotel service that promises to take the pain out of booking rooms for wedding guests. The site creates a bespoke page of nearby wedding day accommodation options for would-be bride and grooms who can then share it with their guests.