Confetti's guide to etiquette
As well as being a great day and a fantastic celebration of your love and commitment, a wedding is also quite a traditional occasion where you're likely to be bringing together guests from different walks of life. Following a few simple 'etiquette' suggestions is always a good idea, both as a host and as a guest, to ensure the day goes with a swing. Read on below and discover how to perfect your role...
Your role as the host
The announcement
The role of the 'perfect wedding host' begins as soon as the lucky groom-to-be has gone down on bended knee to ask that all-important question. At this point, the wedding host is decided, and often determined by who wishes to pay for the majority of the event itself.
Traditionally, the wedding is hosted by the parents of the bride, but the couple themselves might decide to adopt this role. Etiquette at this stage is for the bride, groom and hosts to announce their engagement, and to sit down and work out a budget. No one wants to fall out about money, so set the budget and get the nasty conversation out of the way at an early stage!
Planning the guest list
Venues can't be booked until you have a rough idea of numbers, so one of the first things to do is plan your guest list. Etiquette determines that both sets of parents, as well as the bride and groom, have a say in this. Again, money comes into play here – if parents have contributed financially, it's only fair that they should have a say in who's invited, and invite some of their friends. So, unless you're paying for everything and hosting your own day, be sure to take parents' wishes into consideration to a certain extent.
You're invited
If you want your guests to attend, you need to give them plenty of notice, especially if you're getting married on a week day or bank holiday, or they are travelling from a distance. Save the date cards are a helpful way of letting your guests know to mark off a date in their calendar without them needing to respond straight away. Formal invitations should then be sent out 8-12 weeks before the big day. The key is to give people enough time to plan their travel and accommodation, but not to ask them so early that they don't want to commit to a date.
Presents please
The gift list is a delicate subject – where to mention it and what to ask for can be a cause of concern and you don't want to risk offending your guests. If you want to play it completely safe and follow the traditional rules of etiquette, the guest list should not be mentioned in the invitation. If guests wish to buy a gift, they will simply contact the host and ask whether a list has been set up.
It is, however, becoming more acceptable to put a discreet note inside the invitation to let guests know where your list is held. Things become a little difficult when money or vouchers are desired as an alternative to the traditional toaster! Strictly speaking, asking for money is a 'no no' but, it's your choice. If you're after cash or vouchers, the best way is possibly just to spread the word around your family and close friends and set up a small gift list for your more traditional wedding guests.
Be fair and helpful
If you make a decision, stick to it. If, for example, you decide not to invite children, make sure you extend that rule to all your guests. Guests are only generally upset about not being able to bring their children if they realise that everyone else has brought theirs! It's also important to assist your guests as much as possible when it comes to attending your wedding. Be sure to supply maps, a list of local accommodation and travel details along with the invitations.
Eat, drink and be merry
The wedding breakfast is one of the most important parts of the day, and plenty of thought should be put into the menu. It's crucial to consider what people will enjoy eating. If you love spicy food and rare meat, that's fine, but it's unlikely to be a popular choice with all your guests. Instead, stick to food that has a greater appeal, and be sure to cater well for vegetarians and any other dietary requirements, as well as providing plenty of soft drinks.
Party time!
Chances are you'll be opting for a DJ or band to entertain your guests in the evening. If this is the case, be sure to consider elderly guests who might not relish the idea of getting down on the dance floor. You may be able to organise another room where guests who wish to sit and chat can do so, or simply keep a few tables and chairs to the back of your reception room.
Saying thank you
When you jet off on honeymoon and you're sitting on a Caribbean beach, it's easy to forget about thank you cards. But they're crucial. Guests should always be thanked for their gifts in a personal, handwritten letter. Emailing a general thank you to everyone isn't good enough. If you have a store list, you'll probably have an idea of who's bought what before the big day, and it's fine to start writing thank you cards then. Generally, there's no hurry, so simply set yourselves the task of writing a few letters each every evening and all guests will be officially 'thanked' in no time at all.
Being the perfect guest
RSVP
Chances are your invitation will have an RSVP date. It's there for a reason – to allow the organiser to plan numbers, organise seating plans and generally know who's coming to the wedding. They have enough to do without chasing you up when you don't respond on time, so be sure to reply (and make sure you respond with a written note – not an email!).
Follow the rules
The last thing you want to do is arrive later than the bride, so give yourself plenty of time to get to the ceremony and aim to arrive at least fifteen minutes before the ceremony starts, half an hour before if possible. At the end of the day, if the invitation says 'Carriages at midnight' or 'last dance at 11.30pm' – take it as your hint to go home. It's not considered particularly polite to heckle the band or DJ for 'one last tune' while you swagger on the dance floor!
Dress it up
Unless it's a black tie 'do', dress code is unlikely to be specified on the invitation. It goes without saying that a wedding is a smart occasion, and it's always better to be overdressed than underdressed. Gentlemen, it's time for a suit, shirt and tie, and ladies, your best frocks please. If you're going to wear white or ivory, don't wear a long dress – attempting to upstage the bride is a definite 'no no'.
Take it steady
Weddings often provide an opportunity to drink copious amounts of wine and champagne over a fairly long period of time. Always bear in mind that it's not a good idea to get too merry during the wedding breakfast, or to guzzle more than your share of the table's offering of wine.
Pay compliments in abundance
During the entire day, not a word of negativity with regard to any aspect of the wedding should be uttered from your lips. If you don't like the colour scheme and you think the food's terrible, keep it to yourself. Otherwise, at best, you'll look like a misery and at worst, your comments will be caught on the wedding video – you have been warned! Smile, and look grateful that you have been invited.
Take a back seat
Members of the bridal party should always take priority on this special day over the guests, so sometimes it's important to stand back a little bit. Don't, for example, try to book the only four-poster room in the hotel the second you receive the invitation – the parents of the bride might want to get in there first!