Hen nights - the survival guide

1. Help! Who’s in charge? You are. Remember, this is really not your chief bridesmaid’s party: it’s just her job to organise it for you. If you’re an up-for-anything type of person, by all means hand over the reins to her 100 per cent, but it’s fine not to be happy doing that. Much better to get together with her a good way in advance and talk through together exactly what you’d like to do… and make sure she sticks to it.

2. Just because so-and-so had L-plates, devil’s horns and a band of big-schlonged strippers last year doesn’t mean you have to. If you prefer an arty French film and a sushi meal, that’s your prerogative. Your wedding – your hen night. It’s supposed to be a celebration.

3. Help! I’m centre of attention! There are two approaches to this one: down a couple of drinks and enjoy the ride – or attempt to mingle in with the rest of your gang. It’s hard to enjoy that centre-of-attention feeling before the atmosphere has had a chance to build up, so perhaps start the do at someone’s place, crack open a bottle of wine and have a laugh for an hour or so before you hit the town. That way you let the dynamic get going by itself and you’ll feel far more confident being the head-hen in the gaggle when you make your way into a public place.

4. Help! I’m terrified I’m going to get stitched up! Refer to tip number one. Remember and make it very clear to whoever’s organising this thing for you that it’s YOUR day, and if they want to surprise you, they need to think hard about whether you’d feel happy with that surprise. Mischief making can abound on hen nights, and much of it is great fun, but if there’s anything that you’re not comfortable with, talk it through with your planner beforehand. Also remind her of the famous pre-wedding nerves – you could be feeling wobbly about all sorts of funny things, so this should be a time when you can let your hair down and relax, not be constantly on your guard.

5. Help! They expect me to get hideously drunk! Well, that’s fine, if that’s what you want. Whatever else you do, though, pace yourself. A big night or day out is lovely but if you’re under the table before your friends have finished their first gin and tonic, it’s not going to be much fun for anyone. After all, it would be nice to remember most of your hen night. You could try the age old trick of alternating alcoholic and soft drinks.

6. Help! I don’t know who I should invite! Who to invite depends very much on what you want to do – so work that one out first. The last thing you want is to have people who feel uncomfortable doing what you’ve asked them to do – whether they’re party animals who are bored with a girly evening in, or whether it’s great aunt Mabel struggling with her hearing aid in a nightclub. You and your chief planner might also want to rough out a budget before you start thinking guest lists.

7. Help! Should we have a joint hen and stag do? If you want to, yes. But sit down and thrash it out with your fiancé beforehand. Things you need to think about are whether you really like his mates when they get raucous; do your friends like his friends, and bear in mind the atmosphere will be very different if there are two sexes involved. Of course, there could be some interesting coupling up which could be quite entertaining, and you can be mostly sure that any ‘action’ your fiancé sees at a joint hen/stag night is likely to be legit, cos it comes from you!

8. Help! Should my mum come? That depends very much on your relationship with your mum, and what it is that you’re planning to do. Mums can be a great asset on a night like a hen night, and it can be a lovely mother-daughter bonding experience, but think carefully about how you’re going to act with her around – and how she’s going to be with you. If she can slip into the ‘one of the girls’ role, that’s great. But if she’s going to be clucking around you like a mother hen, it’s probably best to leave that until the wedding morning, when that sort of behaviour could come in very handy.

9. Help! Should we go abroad? You could do. The advantage is that you’re much more likely to have a smaller group if you go abroad, a group that will gel and have a laugh. But of course the big disadvantage is cost. Are all your fellow hens really up for shelling out that sort of cash (you’re unlikely to have much change out of £500 for a weekend, once you’ve taken into account flights, accommodation, food, drinks and entertainment)? The upside if that the trip could do wonders for your pre-wedding day tan, though. Straw-poll your girlie friends before you make any decisions.

10. Help! I need to keep it cheap! We’re with you on this one. It’s estimated that you need an initial pay-out of £200 per person to make a hen do go with a bang, but there are loads of ways you can have a night to remember on the cheap, too. The main approach (OK, it’s our favourite) would be to stay in: a sleep-over with girlie pampering and a couple of good films, a laugh and plenty of wine flowing is the cheapest approach – and some would say the most intimate and non-threatening, too. You could get in a masseur or beautician, organise some silly hen-night games, go for the fancy dress, even try out an Ann Summers party, and be sure that everyone’s bank balance won’t be worse for wear at the end.

11. Help! What’s the etiquette? You need to sit down with your chief organiser a long time in advance (maybe even four months) to thrash out what it is you want and to draw up a guest list. You should do written invitations, and if need be give your guests an estimate of the sorts of costs that might be involved. Your organiser also needs to make it clear that the guests will be chipping in for your night – traditionally, you shouldn’t be paying for anything! There’s not much more etiquette involved – this should be girly and informal, and above all, fun. So let your hair down, crack open a bottle and enjoy yourself!

How to survive his stag do

Relationships psychologist Susan Quilliam’s best advice on the longest weekend of your life…

1. Start your marriage as you mean to go on - by letting him have a life of his own! So don’t hover and panic. Instead, you should wave him off cheerfully, trusting that he will have a fun time with his mates, but that he’ll bounce back to you untarnished.

2. That said, get your deal clear; a conversation about what’s acceptable and what’s not will help him be clear about ground rules. That said, never ask him to pass up on anything - such as getting drunk - that you would do yourself on your hen night.

3. While he’s away, don’t sit and mope - you should make sure you have a full weekend planned. Aim for a balance of busy - which you will be a few weeks before the wedding - plus self indulgent. So book in a massage, a bit of retail therapy and an evening in with a weepy film. Bliss!

4. When he’s back, be genuinely enthusiastic what he did. Remember that this is an important transition stage for him, leaving his single mates behind. Make sure he knows you support him in marking that transition.

Susan Quilliam, is the author of What Makes People Tick, (Element £9.99)

Prev